October 21, 2011
I am not really sure how to begin this.
Today is the day I found out that I am pregnant with you, baby. I am hoping you will read this later in your sweet life and appreciate the fact that I loved you enough even as a zygote to write you a letter. You’ll be an angsty teenager who hates me most days but you’ll read this and maybe forgive me a little for being a little uptight. (Probably a
You’ve made the entire universe feel so different.
Like, the moment I saw that very faint second pink line. The SECOND I realized it… everything changed. HOW CHEESY IS THAT? But holy hell, if it isn’t true. Suddenly I was hyper aware of my body, how it was feeling. I started panicking. I kept thinking about the very strong
Long Island ice tea I had the week before and the hydrocodone I had taken the previous day for a headache. I immediately envisioned you being born with fetal alcohol syndrome and/or addicted to crack. I was scared. I am still scared.
I still cannot believe this is happening to me. (Sorry, right now it’s all about me but very soon everything in my world will be all about you, so give Mommy a moment to digest.)
I never was one to think I would be lucky enough – BLESSED enough – for God to allow me to make another human being. (I mean, with the help of your Daddy of course. It takes two… I will explain it all at a much later time.) I just thought it would be one of those things that would happen for other people. It just seemed too BIG to be something that would happen to me. I am not sure how to explain that. One day I will try to think of a better way.
Something I wish I had on video for you is Daddy’s face when he found out I was pregnant. He was sitting on our bed waiting for me to come out of the bathroom. I walked out of the bathroom, one hand over my mouth, the other holding that little First Response test, my eyes probably bulging out of their skull. I remember falling into him and both of us staring at the faint little second line. I looked up at him for a second to gauge his reaction…
I have never seen such a smile. It is the best smile he has ever given. He was staring at the ceiling smiling so big.
I tell you this because I want you to know you are so so so loved, little baby. I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s only been a few hours and all I can think about is you. I can’t remember what I was worried about yesterday. It seems so trivial. You have made me feel so alive, so important.
I am going to try my best, little baby. You are a piece of the people I have lost, come back to me.
I will love you more than anyone else could ever love you. I can’t wait to meet you.