Friday, December 9, 2011

October 21, 2011

October 21, 2011

Dear Baby/Embryo/Zygote/Blastocyst/Angel,

I am not really sure how to begin this.

Today is the day I found out that I am pregnant with you, baby. I am hoping you will read this later in your sweet life and appreciate the fact that I loved you enough even as a zygote to write you a letter. You’ll be an angsty teenager who hates me most days but you’ll read this and maybe forgive me a little for being a little uptight. (Probably a LOT uptight.)

You’ve made the entire universe feel so different.

Like, the moment I saw that very faint second pink line. The SECOND I realized it… everything changed. HOW CHEESY IS THAT? But holy hell, if it isn’t true. Suddenly I was hyper aware of my body, how it was feeling. I started panicking. I kept thinking about the very strong Long Island ice tea I had the week before and the hydrocodone I had taken the previous day for a headache. I immediately envisioned you being born with fetal alcohol syndrome and/or addicted to crack. I was scared. I am still scared.

I still cannot believe this is happening to me. (Sorry, right now it’s all about me but very soon everything in my world will be all about you, so give Mommy a moment to digest.)
I never was one to think I would be lucky enough – BLESSED enough – for God to allow me to make another human being. (I mean, with the help of your Daddy of course. It takes two… I will explain it all at a much later time.) I just thought it would be one of those things that would happen for other people. It just seemed too BIG to be something that would happen to me. I am not sure how to explain that. One day I will try to think of a better way.

Something I wish I had on video for you is Daddy’s face when he found out I was pregnant. He was sitting on our bed waiting for me to come out of the bathroom. I walked out of the bathroom, one hand over my mouth, the other holding that little First Response test, my eyes probably bulging out of their skull. I remember falling into him and both of us staring at the faint little second line. I looked up at him for a second to gauge his reaction…

I have never seen such a smile. It is the best smile he has ever given. He was staring at the ceiling smiling so big.

I tell you this because I want you to know you are so so so loved, little baby. I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s only been a few hours and all I can think about is you. I can’t remember what I was worried about yesterday. It seems so trivial. You have made me feel so alive, so important.

I am going to try my best, little baby. You are a piece of the people I have lost, come back to me.

I will love you more than anyone else could ever love you. I can’t wait to meet you.



  1. love love love

  2. Aw, mama, this is so great. I LOVED being pregnant (at least the first time around.) It is such an awesome, transforming time. I'm so happy for you.

  3. After a month+ of various itches, nausea, aches and pains I wonder if you're quite as excited?

    Just kidding, I know you are, I know WE are, and I, likewise, can't wait to meet, hold, kiss, teach, raise and love our proverbial bundle of joy!

    Thank you so much!!!

  4. Every bit of pregnancy and birth is so exciting and worth every second of every moment!!! So excited for you :)

    Much Love,
    Jessica Terry

  5. Oh mama, so excited for you!!! Enjoy this amazing time. Your baby is going to be one special little bundle. Congratulations and all the best to you and your growing family! Also, this was written so beautifully :) you're swell!

  6. I gave you a blog award today!